So exactly 1 month after starting HGH injections and spending HOURS at the gym doing 53 minutes of cardio every day (7 days a week) and working out with a trainer for 45 minutes 2 times a week I really thought I was going to be pleasantly surprised at a nice healthy weight loss.  My clothes fit better.  I looked better in them and I’ve felt so incredibly good…I didn’t see any reason why I might not drop a couple pounds in spite of the “muscle weighs more than fat” mantra I’ve been telling myself for the last three weeks.  I’m feeling stronger and more energetic.  I’m in a better mood.  I have an overall sense of well-being,  All good things…right?

Yeah.  Right.  I actually gained 4 pounds.  I checked 3 times.  I felt the disappointment and feelings of failure hit me like a tidal wave and the tears started to well up and I immediately headed to the bathroom to try to put the self pity behind me.

I’ve been on this weight gain-weight loss roller coaster for most of my life so there aren’t many excuses I haven’t made in the past that my head didn’t immediately start reminding me.

“You knew you were retaining water!”

“You should have made him measure so you would see that the inch loss makes up the difference.”

“I told you not to weigh in today.”

“It was that banana muffin you had last night.”

So the question on everyones lips is going to be “Did you cheat?”

Well, yeah.  Probably I did, but not in the binge kind of way I used to.  And I really ought to get credit for that but I’m obviously not going to get credit for it here.

I waited until we were halfway through the last set of weight training until I told my trainer about my weight gain and he only missed a slight beat before recounting the exact same excuses (minus the banana muffin) I had told my self earlier.  He added that he was using heavier weights and told me I was training hard and he was proud of my progress…but theres that nasty inner critic that always reminds me that his bread and butter are middle aged overweight women who think they can turn around a lifetime of poor habits in a couple months time.

As I write this I am reminded that I also have my own inner coach who can – and always has – insisted that I can achieve anything I want if I work hard enough.  I’m going to have to keep working…harder and longer and with more resolve than ever before.

So my pity party is over and the number on the scale is not going to define me.