SaneSurvivor

Toughing It Out

Surplus Women — July 27, 2015

Surplus Women

The Honest Courtesan

What I did is not such a great harm, with all these surplus women nowadays.  –  Rudolf Pleil (“The Death Maker”)

Though idealists prefer to deny it, Man is a predatory animal in whom the killer instinct is as natural as the sexual impulse.  An infant, given the power to do so, would destroy anyone who displeased him; it is only through maturation and socialization that we learn to curb our murderous impulses, or at least to restrict them to non-humans.  And thereby hangs the tale; some humans never internalize the wrongfulness of violence and only avoid it out of self-preservation (i.e., to avoid being caught and punished), while others find socially-sanctioned outlets for their violent impulses or sublimate them into non-physical forms.  But in all these cases there is still usually a thick enough layer of civilization that the individual is reluctant to attack others he…

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The Scale MUST be Broken… — July 17, 2015

The Scale MUST be Broken…

So exactly 1 month after starting HGH injections and spending HOURS at the gym doing 53 minutes of cardio every day (7 days a week) and working out with a trainer for 45 minutes 2 times a week I really thought I was going to be pleasantly surprised at a nice healthy weight loss.  My clothes fit better.  I looked better in them and I’ve felt so incredibly good…I didn’t see any reason why I might not drop a couple pounds in spite of the “muscle weighs more than fat” mantra I’ve been telling myself for the last three weeks.  I’m feeling stronger and more energetic.  I’m in a better mood.  I have an overall sense of well-being,  All good things…right?

Yeah.  Right.  I actually gained 4 pounds.  I checked 3 times.  I felt the disappointment and feelings of failure hit me like a tidal wave and the tears started to well up and I immediately headed to the bathroom to try to put the self pity behind me.

I’ve been on this weight gain-weight loss roller coaster for most of my life so there aren’t many excuses I haven’t made in the past that my head didn’t immediately start reminding me.

“You knew you were retaining water!”

“You should have made him measure so you would see that the inch loss makes up the difference.”

“I told you not to weigh in today.”

“It was that banana muffin you had last night.”

So the question on everyones lips is going to be “Did you cheat?”

Well, yeah.  Probably I did, but not in the binge kind of way I used to.  And I really ought to get credit for that but I’m obviously not going to get credit for it here.

I waited until we were halfway through the last set of weight training until I told my trainer about my weight gain and he only missed a slight beat before recounting the exact same excuses (minus the banana muffin) I had told my self earlier.  He added that he was using heavier weights and told me I was training hard and he was proud of my progress…but theres that nasty inner critic that always reminds me that his bread and butter are middle aged overweight women who think they can turn around a lifetime of poor habits in a couple months time.

As I write this I am reminded that I also have my own inner coach who can – and always has – insisted that I can achieve anything I want if I work hard enough.  I’m going to have to keep working…harder and longer and with more resolve than ever before.

So my pity party is over and the number on the scale is not going to define me.

Feeling Fab…Is this for Real? — July 5, 2015

Feeling Fab…Is this for Real?

My entrance into the world of HGH injections has been pretty awesome.  I feel great…better than I expected and my daily gym performance has been pretty exceptional.  I’m three days into my third week and without question I can see improvements in my skin texture and elasticity.  My hair and nails seem to be growing faster and my mood is – well – less moody.  I am humming to myself again and I noticed I was singing along with favorite songs on the radio again…this is both good and bad according to my husband.

The increase in my overall sense of well-being has resulted in returning to taking better care of myself – in part because I don’t feel like the daily makeup routine is soley an exercise in finding new ways to disguise old wrinkles.  Its nice to feel good and positive again…I feel like my old self.  Only better.

I’m having minor issues with water retention but nothing so bad I can’t live with.  I also have noticed my appetite has been a little more targeted to things that are good for me and I have definate reduction in a desire for sweets.  Some or all of these things could have nothing to do with HGH – but I feel they are worth mentioning.

Creatively – I have been feeling more inclined to return to some art projects that I kind of lost interest in but I haven’t actually done anything yet…so that remains to be seen.  Writing hasn’t been all that much of a pull for me like it used to…I’m kind of bored with it.  I think that I’d rather be doing stuff than writing about it.

I am certainly interested in hearing more from other people who have more experience about HGH and healthy living when also getting older.  There are a lot of us out there…